If you could read my thoughts, it'd scare you
by ilovegreen007
Summary: Naomi's always been crap at keeping away from Emily. A look into the innermost thoughts of one who always felt much more than she ever let on. She reflects on events in college and the inevitability of them becoming a couple. Naomi's internal monologues, thru-ought Skins 3-4 including the summer in the Skins novel.
1. Chapter 1

She wasn't the type to fall in love really...

In fact she's never really considered that option. Leave it, i'll look into it later, maybe _never_.

Naomi Campbell-_ No not the model do not even proceed with that joke_ -had resigned herself to thinking she was the only one...Cause this destiny, music playing in the background, L-O-V-E was happening to everyone- to all the other _normal_ people around her...

for all her friends if not associates-people she had no choice but to hang out with- it was something like a hobby

_oh you fell in love today?_

_oh are you enjoying it-how often does this happen?oh, every time. _

_well really, good for you-it has health benefits you say? wow you're getting good at this aren't you. _

_Practising? Not surprised_

what about insert name  
No this guy's/girl's a keeper

_Sure_ _he/she was..._ till he/she broke his/her heart. Then it was the next one for sure or the next, _the 8th was the charm you say._

It was a load of shit, fuck's all that they'd catch this Naomi Campbell falling in love, she wasn't delusional, she wouldn't be waiting for some guy to come sweep her off of her feet and lead her away into the sunset or moonlight or whatever time of the overrated day she just _knew_ **he **whoever **he** is-would never be the right guy not the right anything actually. Depressing right?

But no-try this on for size, it's because she might be into girls...ok she is, just one girl.

Back to the whole love concept not that she didn't believe in it...personally for _herself, _not happening-but she'd seen people in love, really been in love, the forever type that did exist in real life... those were her best mates effy and freddie- and well it got quite complicated with cook added in-and there, there was the proof that it could fuck you up.

Cos no matter the good butterfly feeling you get, the racing hearts... _soft lips red hair_ woah there-okay she was getting off-track here veering from her internal monologue...where was she?

Yes Love sucks yada yada.._oh yes._

Naomi knew it was inevitable in a relationship with **_real love_**for someone to get _hurt-s_o better not involve herself with some poor defenseless wanker-she didn't want to fuck anyone up.

So her heart-yes, she had one of those for it was rumored she didn't...she put into things that would create a semblance of order things that weren't to unpredictable things that could last and make her feel better focus on others not herself but detachment was key-joining organizations, rallying against the world -somehow caring about things. little things made her feel less different cause she did actually care about something, not someone.

But she still couldn't avoid it, for everywhere she turned... she saw brown- that would make her think she was _wrong...that _it was alright to care about someone, a certain someone that had brown eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

College was going to be different ...or so she thought.

But_ she_ had to be there. and she wasn't just anyone, but to anyone else she was average-she had pale skin, the brownest of brown eyes, dyed hair, in terms of height she was actually significantly _less_ than average-and there were two of her; she was a twin. But as the deal between identical twins their personalities where as different as anything. And this girl was in the shadow of her loud obnoxious sister. Everyone heard, if not saw, Katie Fitch first.

But it didn't matter.

Naomi Campbell had always been different, The girl may have been pale but her skin was very fair even lumionus almost like marble. but Naomi knew it to be soft and warm.

Brown eyes might've been common but so were other colors... but _those_ eyes-could turn into shade of trickling honey when pleased-chocolate when mischievous caramel

_ok her eyes were like the food she mentioned_...thinking of them made her have a good feeling inside-she craved for them she felt that she could never have enough even if it gave her that ache in her heart-or tummy whichever (not the best analogy but sweets are my thing) she wanted to be the cause of all the good emotions that she saw through those eyes. She was easy to read-she could be so open.

Sometimes she'd be unsure of herself-she would withdraw into herself- Naomi would try to catch her have a fleeting glimpse-as the red head would bow her head,_ Naomi wasn't sure if she hated or loved it-when those eyes were on her shed feel so helpless but when they left she felt empty_

Naomi would sometimes get lost in the depths of them she would not only see the beauty inside-she looked and saw herself seen completely different and she fell unworthy being looked at with such, _reverence and with love._

And_ this more than anything, scared her. A_nd yet she couldn't quite pull away, it didn't help that Emily practically stalked her...she couldn't handle all these feelings just in her head more so with Emily's insistence of her being in close proximity with you at all times everywhere and anywhere.

Her hair was beautiful-shame it wasn't her real hair color-Naomi would picture tucking a strand away behind the owners ear -_to stop it from covering the beautiful piece of art before her_.

like something that had caught fire-red smoke signal warning-something like... how her heart would hammer whenever she even caught a glimpse of that color or how her cheeks would flush when she actually bumped into her. She could feel herself giving in as she reached for Emily, not caring for once, knowing it might hurt. _She was finally putting herself out there- _but for once, in her whole life she let it be.

Like she said, _this girl_ wasn't just anybody-her name was _sweet _and _simple, __**Emily**_ but like everything associated with her... it was breathtakingly beautiful.


	3. Chapter 3

Middle school Naomi and College Naomi were _vastly different_ not just in looks; taller now but not lanky or the least bit skinny like those American girls... just right, her hair now a platinum blonde she cut herself-it was short almost brutally short but she liked it-not that she couldn't remedy that she accessorize-she'd let it grow out she had the whole school year for that, she was older so probably a bit more wiser...

Roundview College from the first day wasn't really promising same old tossers, some new ones.

But that's were she first met her group of mates. Those same wankers who at the beginning of the year she didn't deign to think about turned out to be the people she'd become life-long friends with and one of them was the ultimate dick of them all. His name even sounded like it form the way he pronounced it "I'm cock-" Naomi swore that's what he said she didn't know to take it as a joke or not.

But she learned pretty soon not to take him seriously Cook was like that-she kept him at bay with her witty remarks and she put up with him-cause really he was a bit irresistible-not her type though.

Naomi on the other hand was a powerful sarcastic outspoken bit of a bitch-and it was Emily who sought her-and even after all these years she felt the familiar heat of her gaze from across the stands.

She was still shy hesitant Emily from before, but Naomi sensed a new kind of power in her - but the last thing she wanted to do was to gain attention for _that sort of thing..._ God knows your still confused about your orientation if you must-being attracted to boys has always been there-i mean you did notice Freddie on the first day- which of course now just thinking of it makes you sick-You've tried it with guys too-because you just seem to just attract all kinds of unwanted attention.

There were some people who interested you besides Emily-there was Effy Stonem _obiously not romantically_ whose observant eyes and all-to-knowing smile kind of creeped you out but she seemed okay-she didn't like people much (something you had in common ) but everyone just couldn't help gravitating towards her all the boys mostly and there was Panda her best friend and sidekick...

Naomi still didn't know how that happened but she liked Panda-which was weird cause she generally felt a great sense of dislike towards people who were immature but panda was impossible to hate she was stuck in a period were she neither noticed nor cared about what other people thought she was just herself with her own way of talking-_that took a while to get used to, much less understand_ -dressing...and even though she was aware of her shortcomings, she claimed she was useless-but she was a pretty _neat friend_ _when you got past all that -_and she had a few tricks up her sleeves.

And speaking of tricks another boy who was also very different- you may say special-and surprisingly one of the group of the very cock she had an encounter with that morning. _Not just the one that was whipped out._

He was_ sweet_ actually, and _smart_ or so she learned in their homeroom , but he lacked social skills-Jonas Jeremiah Jones (JJ) for short rattled on in his fast paced manner.

She watched as his friends looked up at him if they could tear away their eyes from _Effy_ for a mere second- who smiled smugly knowing full well how she held the attention of these two best friends. _poor boys._

Naomi could practically see a tragic end to their love story- but they watched out for JJ making sure he wouldn't get locked on, which would happen whenever he was agitated. _which was prety useful whenever she wanted to get something like a secret out of him- _It was mean, but JJ was easy to crack, of course she only did that when she was r_eally desperate, _because she actually liked JJ. There was something about his aura that calmed you which was weird because he was always the-_ opposite of calm_ but he was just so_- endearing_

In that homeroom... Nami learned a lot about what she was to expect for the coming year she learned a lot about everyone's personalities. and Katie, that_ sly cow, _who you now have a _somewhat_ healthy relationship with-though it took a longer time for that to be established than the others as _there always that violent in your face exterior that she gave off _

and well she was Katie 'fucking" Fitch and it _was_ Naomi who for the first time _challenge her_ and came between her and her sister.  
_

Effy _surprise surprise , _was the first one who noticed you and Emily- like that was such big news.

Effy could see through anything and she seemed t be able to read Naomi well despite everything-

"No Emily?"-she had asked you didn't want to deny it but it rose up but Effy's eyes probed you..

"truth" and later on she said she wouldn't have a problem with it...

Naomi was grateful and it turns out there weird connection thing they had between. Effy was changing like a lot of things in their group and that cow of a twin of Emily was acting civil towards her maybe cause she had Freddie-"the lips" a sane good guy as her beau-which of course she felt bad for Effy when Thomas called them all over-how awkward was that but Thomas was oblivious-something he and Panda had in common better let him live in a happy world-Thomas was just always optimistic and happy which she found rather contagious that night especially after he said that Emily was already there. And it all had to end in shit that night with Cook being beat up as he always did- Thomas' outburst when all of it hit the fan

But that would be just a part of a multitude of fucked up situations-suicide, mental hospital, imprisonment, broken relationships-but those were her friends and this was their lives

-and despite it all she was thankful for it for them...for what they all shared.


	4. Chapter 4

A sleepover drunken drug-induced kiss-is where you finally get Emily to admit that she was, is _indeed gay_

But Naomi also had to pretend their first kiss didn't mean anything...

Emily just kept doggedly following her-like she could smell it out-like Naomi gave a sort of scent (pheromones?)

An election which lead to their first _real s_exual experience...and more significantly the breakthrough the catflap promise

A Camp-out tumble and everything else later... she was _as confused as ever_

Naomi wasn't sure what they were... they were _friends..._ that were _both girls..._ that enjoyed each others company.

_that was normal right between friends?_

But they kissed at times, had sex, held hands secretly- so_ why_ then if t_his, _ was _so normal_ ...why did she try to run from it? Run from the rightness she felt whenever those things -those incidents ...that were coming on _too frequently_ between her and Emily that she couldn't deny it for much longer- happened.

And so Naomi stalled she put it off they'd fool around, have fun...but in the morning _in school, in front of their friends_- she could go back to treating her as a typical girl friend. But Emily no matter how persevering, no matter how patient... still had a breaking point.

but Naomi was just _pressured_ and **scared**_ always_ always scared.

Scared of people's reactions... being treated differently _like she gave rat's arse_ -but why, somehow, it still mattered what they thought of her.

Somehow it was weirdly balanced with how scared she was if Emily would get**_ fed up_** with her-

Scared that her seeming indifference would work, and drive the girl she'd secretly cared about for the longest time off.

And the day of reckoning came to bite her in the ass when the love ball event drew closer and closer.

After all the serious things that had happened between her and Em, she just knew Emily was expecting** something.**

So she was always forced to return to the let's _just be friends_ option-that time in the tent she had resolved to remain strong but was weakened by the tiny space between her and Emily: she had offered to combine their comforters to keep her warm as Emily shivered violently but she cheekily replied that she knew another way to heat them up which lead to... well, a not so friendly interaction. To put it simply their was little talking involved.

For days afterwards she'd still shiver whenever she and Emily would share a hot filled gaze and Emily would give her that sexy smirk.

Back to her other dilemma she thought she saw Katie walk in, but that was _impossible._

She knew Katie was still recovering-so of course it was Emily _you are a smart one if i say so myself Campbell._

She just _knew_ as she drew nearer her heart hammering wildly, her tummy in a knot... this state induced as only Emily could.

_She _stood to one side of what Naomi assume was Katie's locker door preparing to surprise Emily- and t_hat she did giving herself a imaginary top hat lift at carrying it out so successfully._

Naomi had to suppress a smile at the sudden feeling of wanting to kiss _her_ senseless at the sight of how cute Emily looked when caught unaware.

They talked for awhile Naomi hoped she made sense as she was sufficiently _distracted,_ not just- because Emily made up was as _hot as hell_, for she was always beautiful in your eyes ,but_ she_ just carried off Katie's outfit really well (which on Katie just looked, well- like Katie... a bit** skanky...**but Emily... well Naomi was a bit biased- she could be wearing a sack and she'd make it look good...

"you look good you should dress up more often" she finally said aloud hoping she wasn't obvious she'd realized she'd been quiet taking her time checking Emily out and as Naomi moved close she felt her center warm up

_of _

_all _

_the_

_ places_

and this just from speaking to her. And of all the weirdest thoughts that pass through her head she actually thanks God she wasn't a boy just by how_ inconvenient_ and a dead giveaway that would be.

Naomi had to get away say something...She couldn't get together with Emily, she couldn't risk it.

This feeling of loss of control, so Naomi says that." she was going away for the summer... to think."

And as if Emily could sense her retreat she asked blatantly "what about"

so she gave her a straight answer told her the truth "let's just be friends okay?"

But Emily bit back and anyone could hear the emotion in her voice "yeah we say that don't we?"

the pain was too much to bear as you fell your her heart squeeze "yeah-have a great summer Emily"

and Naomi walked away feeling an odd combination of _relief_ but it was edged with some type of grief.

She had said it she had **_escaped_** and she felt empty...she was _free_...

**"i'll miss you"** and just like that... she wasn't

She came to an abrupt halt.

Naomi rocked on her feet for a second she could still get away, but then she realized **gone** was the empty feeling. it's like her legs turned on their own accord, like her body was just _drawn_ towards Emily's...

She closed the distance between them their lips, their bodies- in mere seconds and she sank into that kiss it was wonderful oh so _wonderful_...

Her emotion on hyprdrive and her libido too, she pressed her into the lockers_ lost_ in their kiss and in her **desire**

"i can't stand it-i ccan't" Naomi got out breathlessly _overwhelmed_ she honestly felt like just having her way with Emily right there right at that time with emily reassuring her that-" it was okay"-shakily her lips swollen she was breathless as well her breathing uneven-for naomi it felt good to know it wasn't only _her._

She didn't even care that they were in a public place and that the entire school would pass by that area-they continued their kiss soon becoming somewhat addicting

"_jesus_" she whimpered as she felt herself grind into Emily and for her to grind right back-her knickers were getting soaked it was madness they tired to make it last as much as they could with biting kisses...

and then as soon as it had begun it _ended_- the swarm of students came from around the corner headed towards their individual lockers. Naomi unwillingly pulled away-and as she shared a final look with Emily... they didn't bother to hide it, attending the rest of the classes was n_o longer an option_

"let's get out of here" she pulled Emily along, ignoring Freddie as they ran.

Anywhere a place to be alone to be _together_. They_ giggled_ with the unspoken command, they headed towards her house sneaking past her mother to her room where Naomi wasted no time divesting herself and Emily of their clothing and- finally_ finally_ had her way with her.

If Naomi thought that that, sex or _making love-_ could solve everything... this time around** i**_**t could**_**_n't._**

_They_ no longer could **_pretend _**they were past it. _They_ were at the point of no return... and Naomi held the reigns, but before she could make up her mind- Emily made up hers... she f_inally broke._

Naomi had been expecting it... but she was surprised how much she'd still hoped- that Emily wouldn't give up on her.

One second they were lying in her bed all _happy_ and _content,_ finished with their third go at awesome sex.

_She was vibrant she was floating she had just orgasmed..._

and it was all because of the beautiful girl laying next to her and like every time they had gotten together, _she_ was plagued with the sudden feeling of _running away..._

but it was ridiculous she was home...

She reached her fingers out to trail it along Emily's _smooth milky skin_, feeling her tremble- just a bit. _she smiled inwardly_ she liked making Emily Fitch tremble- their was so much power in making such a gorgeous woman cry out at your hands, or _with_ them in most cases...

She was just chuckling to herself trying to... just be- just enjoy the moment and then... Emily opened her eyes she was faced again with _probing brown eyes._But she didn't want to talk now-it would _spoil_ e_verything._

She just continued to trace patterns into Emily's shoulders enjoying the smoothness-the heat between them... Emily asked her if she was alright, _more that alright_ but Naomi said little- wanting to keep everything simple and yet, Emily was waiting _waiting_ for her... to ask her to the ball- She thought _this_ was an affirmation-curse her and her sexual craving that only Emily could satiate...and she asks you herself "Come to the ball with me" _you're only half aware what your saying at this point...somewhere along the lines of you not wanting to do that or more determinedly you are not going to do that_ she confronts you then upfront about your sexuality and your quick retort-** "can't anything ever be complicated" **

"ok you like boys too..."

you can't quite believe it when you're all alone in your room but the parting words sting like anything picking at you at everything that you've desperately tried to hold together- keep in place Emily's angry hurt and frustrated voice "still holding hands through a catflap" calling out your every bluff, replaying in your head...it does nothing to quell the bile rising up or is it the shame and anger and the desperation knowing that _you've done it... you got what you wanted, you're free are you happy now? and knowing perfectly well that now, you'll never be._

This lead to the worst week of Naomi's life.

Emily seemed to have disappeared entirely out of her life...she'd tried everything always just missing her in classes- called her phone only to get the busy tone and even went to see her _personally_ at home... only bumping (of all the horrors) into Emily Fitch's mother _an experience she wouldn't want repeated anytime soon_

She'd wondered before at the mastery of how Emily could find her, no matter where she was-her own personal stalker.

She tried _everything_ she became desperate. She'd miss her. She wanted her out of her life... well- she had gotten her wish, but _why_ did it hurt **_so_** **_damn _**much.

It had hurt lying to Emily... hurting her-but now the pain was just _so_ immense.

She felt like she was _dying_, Emily** had** _given up._

She was crushed _all was lost_-and then there was a glimmer of hope.

On the third day-Em wanted to talk...but it was that _witch_ Katie-and well the shit hit the fan and a bomb dropped resulting in all kinds of explosions...

This one had happened at the pit of her stomach.

She felt_ sick_ Emily and JJ...ok it was gonna come out right now, she _stilled_ herself not wanting Katie to see her weakness..but the satisfied cat-caught-the-canary-smirk remained, **she** had _succeeded._

Naomi sighed, defeated, fed up and heartbroken...

How could Emily's face almost exactly the same on Katie could be so contorted- so_ mean_...she couldn't believe they were sisters

But then she thought of what Katie said: Em didn't waste her time, did she- jumping on JJ just like that... like he'd just summoned her.

She felt the blood rushing-she didn't know who she was more pissed at...Katie _for being the devil incarnate_, JJ_ for touching her girl_, _for giving birth to one Katie Fitch and Mrs. Fitch-for being an absolute cow herself _or... Emily who's betrayal and mere absence caused her a greater pain than she could ever imagine

**fuck it**

She wouldn't hide away. She's go to the love ball dateless. She didn't care what any of the Fitch family had said-no Katie Fitch, no Mother could tell her _what to do._

**_She_** was _Naomi Campbell_, and no one told her what to do. **Sh**e was going to cause havoc and enjoy it.

And havoc she did cause, the love ball had drama that night-almost like an episode on telly: a member of the family got in the way of true love... which lead to a fight... the family member discovering the betrayal of her own flesh and blood lashes out in turn on them... a brawl ensues messing up a major event.

**_love loss and longing, _**the perfect formula which sparked forgiveness and ended with a declaration of love.

Later the two star-crossed lovers unite and their is the long awaited confirmation that the feelings are genuinely absolutely mutual.

Naomi couldn't ask for a better ending-they walked hand in hand, with Emily looking like _herself_ again as she was stripped of all things Katie..Naomi loved her like this... like herself- not just simply Emily Fitch, so much _much_ more.

She was immensely beautiful and she was all hers.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I do not own anything but Skins will always be one of those vices i can't let go off.

It was _overwhelming_.

It took control of her. Blood to a wolf who had licked the blade and couldn't stop even as it bled to death still hungering for the taste... the scent.

Sex with Emily was that.

A simple kiss would tip her over, almost to insanity... she had to grab on to something lest she never got up. Usually it was her neck her hips, pulling Emily into her not wasting anytime apart and when _finally_ they came together in a searing kiss

she would go on forever if she could -oxygen _be damned_

If only she could just _breathe_ Emily in- but she did whenever Emily overwhelmed her very senses, when they slowed down when love not lust took the reins she would open her eyes and see so much reflected there ...that alone would make her come undone.

Naomi's hands would almost worshipfully touch Emily. Almost to see if she was real. _She_ was more than real... and she made her feel something more real than she ever felt before.

Later on in the night, when naomi awoke, she would observe the beautiful red head in while she slept, made almost unreal in the moonlight, her lips would ghost across her nape-just inhaling-taking it in... feeling the weight of how much love she felt for Emily in her chest, clawing at her, consuming her-she wonders if she'll ever be able to get enough.

It never suprised her that whenever she was with emily all that she felt was electrified a thousand times.

-and whenever she got the chance she would lean in and touch her kiss her-just because _she could...just because...she was hers_

all this time wanting her _so _much and for_ how long_, she didn't think even emily knew...

Naomi could pinpoint exactly when, the _time_ the _place_...even though she denied it for the longest time trying to escape potential heartbreak at her hands-the fear wasn't completely gone, it lay there- Naomi knew that if ever Emily_ di_d break her heart she'd never be able to recover.

Right now, they were enjoying each other's company away from the rest of their group of friends. And like every other time you've hang out alone, never far is the opportunity to enjoy one of the more favorite activities of yours involving Emily.

Emily deepens the kiss licking your lower lip capturing it between her teeth for a moment. You let out a groan-you know now that you couldn't escape..._never really tried to in the first place_...maybe all the while you were just testing Emily-trying to see how long she would stay. how much she could take... always expecting her to give up, cos she was too good to be true to begin with, too good for you- but of course you were thrilled that you were proven wrong -_this once_ -when emily doesn't give up-doesn't let you down.

Sweet soft sexy Emily was really getting into the kiss and Naomi was getting left behind-

the thoughts swirling around in her head she pushed them aside till only one thing occupied both of their minds...

She matches Emily _kiss_ for _kiss_ removing the hindering articles of clothing wanting to feel Emily's skin on hers- she kisses all of her beloved features moving lower lingering between her two mounds teasing her...

but not for _long_

She could never deny Emily for long- in the end she would always just want the girl she loved to be pleasured and satisfied and that she did- she traced her tongue along her navel dipping in, here Emily bucked a bit Naomi put her palm flat on her tummy to still her as she traveled to her already dripping lips... she kissed Emily's thighs widening them a bit-her lover willingly obliges as Naomi pulls herself closer to her center...

the next moments are filled with _gasps_, happy strangled _sigh_s and _proclamations...as Emily is brought closer and closer to the edge_

Naomi allows herself to simply _feel-_her love...their love...being translated into movement...

By now she knows when and what Emily needs before she says it... She quickly adds her fingers in-as her thumb furiously circles Ems clit, wanting to make her cum _hard_-which she does as Naomi skilfully curls her fingers watching the beautiful sight of Emily coming undone.

Even as she was done, with Emily shaking underneath her..."Gods Naomi-that was amazing" her breaths coming out in gasps.

You pull her up kissing her, whispering and feeling _so much_ at this very moment "I love you, girl"

" i love you too lover..." but Emily resumes kissing Naomi harder her hands tracing her spine all you feel is _relief_-that you aren't alone in this madness, Emily felt the same, like she was still starving for her. Emily turned their positions catching her by surprise "your turn"and who was she to object...leading her hand to where she desperately needed it but Emily stilled her for a bit kissing her once again

"open your eyes" she whispers-and you look into brown depths, and that's when she slid her fingers in reaching touching Naomi reaching somewhere _deep_ within her, making her _melt,_ shudder. She's never felt so vulnerable but yet so rightfully so..waves after waves roll in as she finished- physically and emotionally spent.

They were both exhausted but before she fell asleep she was comforted by the knowledge that all was right, not much else mattered, Emily loved her. As long as nothing changed.. they would be together forever.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors Note: This is the part from the Skins Novel...hoping you've read it it'll make a lot more sense- if anyone is wondering, it's set in the summer before their second and last year at Roundview.

Emily. Emily fitch. Ems. emsy. emilio.

You imagine a different role different part played in each, a dutiful daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover-and all of it one and the same person. You realize everyone's like this-and to each of those people giving us pet names a nickname they all feel even have a sense of ownership but she belongs to you you belong to each other in the truest sense.

She'd sound the words-wondering how just a name-as simple as Emily could make her- tough as nails or was it bricks Naomi melt... she imagined a dopey lovesick smile would grace her own features.

It also surprised her how it could also bring out other- less positive feelings like as of the moment she was feeling one of the worst feelings ever-anger even jealousy.

"Damn you Emily!" Naomi almost shouted- the frustration finally building up. This was her seventh _or so_ phone call for Emily...and _she_ hadn't called back at all. Naomi hated Paris, she hated that Emily was there enjoying herself with some god-knows-who frenchie- who would _could_ distract her enough that she didn't even check her phone. Emily _always_ answered after her call.

Naomi didn't know a better way to say it without being too cliche without sounding unoriginal and just blah, but she missed her, Naomi missed Emily so _damn much_-too put it simply. And nothing like about what she's feeling was ever so simple...It shouldn't be cos her days... how she spent it before was just _fine_ and _dandy_...it once had a semblance of order, a routine and now after Emily became a huge and vital part of _that-_ her going missing left Naomi practically _useless_ her days spent _pining. _

What she missed most of all wasn't _just_ them being intimate-well it sorta was making love _was_ a chief and very enjoyable part of their relationship but it was the missing of the little things. Just being able to _hold_ Emily, see her expressions change when she told her things -not being able to grab her hand when she was unsure and feel the reassuring pressure in return and this longing -this would go on for the _whole_ summer.

_Calm down Naomi_ she might've something important to attend to. Yeah, more important than me. She had reserved to be the concerned girlfriend when she first left her message, she even told her she missed her, which was _true_ needing assurance after the bomb of the Uni open day that Keiran had dropped on her. Several messages later she lost her conviction to be calm as she laid it on the message hard-like it would make all the problems that the issue of attending university a plan that didn't include Emily-go away.

Later in the day she'd made at least 8 mesages.

Naomi could not _stay_ calm. She didn't do calm, especially not now-with all the possible scenarios playing in her head.

_From the most probable yet dangerous_

Emily got mugged her cellphone was stolen.

_to the sickening_

Emily was now _currently_ in the act of cheating on her with the first leggy frenchgirl she had happened to chance upon-no two french girls.

Her jealous overwrought mind tended to go straight to panic mode.

So calm...She'd given up on that, it didn't work for long. She couldn't help it, with all those mounting pressures _too early _to be experienced in their relationship... they were supposed to be in the loved up honeymoon stage, and right now with them being apart for the first time since they got together _a trial that seemingly had loomed far in the distant future..._the distance was taking it's toll..

Shitty withdrawal symptoms.

Naomi didn't know it'd be like this-the raw physical ache her absence caused and this time, she wasn't just a few blocks away, try miles upon miles. Whoever said "Absence makes the heart grow fonder " was a sod like that was_ such_ a big comfort to her now. Sure she _was_ growing fonder but also somewhat crazy.

She picked up her phone nill no nothing-zilch. She speed-dialed Emily's number-prepared to make another call if not another message.

"pick up ems-don't do this to me"-she hated how- whinny and pathetic she sounded  
"Oh Gods-" what was wrong with her?... she was turning into the kind of people she used to laugh at. Really-couldn't she suddenly survive by herself?

Was she going to go on like this, her happiness forever depending on another person?

Just like that,- an odd feeling resurfaced...not quite uncertainty. The feeling that had first showed up when amidst all the chatter about the future with your Mum and Keiran... specifically the time you realized that you were unsure about applying for uni, a decision you'd established long ago, you'd wanted it for as long as you can remember - Naomi just couldn't place it until-now.

How long till she couldn't get away. She'd be..._trapped_ forever.

Seriously she _knew_ she loved Emily with all her heart- no doubt about it -but she had her priorities...did being in love-lead to the loss of individuality- did everyone start forget his or her own dreams for the sake of them being together?

She knew nothing would make her happier than having a future _the_ future with Emily. She was a part of her now, a big part of her happiness she couldn't change that and she'd come a long way because of her.

Emily- could make her be happy with anything, even if it meant choosing the exact opposite of what kinda life she knew she wanted... for as long as Emily could be part of it.

Just because "she" finally came along-the person who made her feel _less_ alone _less _lonely..._ less scared_ would Naomi have to change everything she had planned for herself

it scared her...cause for Emily-she just might.

Emily the one person who could make her radically change her mind about almost-no, about everything; her sexuality, and now her higher education attainment was being put into question.

Always the constant battle of her heart and her mind...and just like her heart responded. her phone rang, almost as if Emily had felt her ongoing dilemma.

Naomi grabbed for the phone put it to her ear eagerly, but as she went to press the button to answer she hesitated-make Emily wait for_ her_ this time-but her longing overcame her.

She still wasn't letting her off too easy-Naomi hardened her voice "yep?"

Naomi's tone lightened considerably thru ought the conversation..just from the the relief she felt in hearing Emily's voice, her apology.

but Naomi was feeling guilty with all those thoughts from earlier-her voice always tended to betray her... sounding nervous_-you tended to sound clipped and angry_ and detached whenever you were. You feel like Emily can pick up on it so you hurriedly end the conversation as Keiran comes in with the university forms, promising to talk later in the evening...you didn't even return Emily's peace-offering of a "i love you"

It was okay, Emily was okay so now you are too. Just a few weeks, she'll be home-everything will be more than okay then it will be...fine.

_  
Several weeks later

Trapped -there it was again.

That ugly ugly word-flashing over and over at the most annoying times. Sort of like an alarm clock-you push it aside but you know it's still there...looming.

It lay forgotten for a little while longer as you made love all over Emily's house and after you had exhausted every possible place, position.

_a welcome home present for you both_

You lay content in each others arms in her room. They were beyond exhausted- but _still _they managed to have an entire conversation-just wanting to make up for the loss time.

You come dangerously close to what would happen next year after graduating...the summer-maybe a gap year-or two off before uni.

You don't answer taking the easy route surrendering to sleep-closing your eyes as Emily excitedly chatters on, talking about the ideal summer together.

All you'll remember amidst the feel of Emily's loving murmur, her kiss brushing across your nape, marking you your heart your mind -is wishing it was enough to erase everything else.

You take sleep as a grateful escape-not wanting to deal with any of it right now.

You tried to hold out for as long as you you knew it would catch up too you sooner or later.

It came up sooner- in the pub marring their reunion as she blurted it out angrily

(excerpt from skins the novel)

_That's right, Cookie,' I said airily. 'Good thing there's a degree in Pissing Your Life Up the Wall.'I slapped my forehead. 'Oh, no. Sorry. There isn't.' _  
_Emily' laughed. The others looked nervous. _  
_'Fucking hilarious,' Said Cook, his eyes narrowing. 'And yous two will be down for Carpet Munching _  
_Studies, yeah? Clit-flicking 101? Or maybe a BA Honours in being a Stuck Up Bitch?' _  
_Right, I'd had enough of this. _  
_'Yes Cookie,' I snapped. I'm going to an open day for Yale on Saturday. . . Because I want more out _  
_of life than flipping burgers or whatever fucking soul-destroying dead- _  
_end job you're heading for.' _  
_There was a silence, in which I realised with a sinking heart what I'd just said out loud. _  
_Cook raised his eyebrows. 'Is that right, Naomi?' He nodded towards Emily, who was staring wide- _  
_eyed at me, confusion and hurt etched on her face. 'Maybe you should have told your girlfriend that _  
_first.' _  
_Bollocks. _

As she made a remark letting the cat out of the bag- in front of their entire group of friends minus effy of course,_ they didn't need anymore drama-_she couldn't believe she got herself all tied up in a knot because of cook's comment.

Then there was that little argument that followed after-which ended with Emily convincing Naomi as always-to choose _her_ to choose t_hem_.

And she couldn't help feeling angry- feeling bitter.


End file.
